My 16-year-old son, Ben, started playing hockey at age 9. This past year, he played on his high school’s JV hockey team, as well as on a local Midget team. Ben is a boy who approaches all of his activities — from academics and athletics to acting and writing — with a joyful sense of purpose and high expectations for his own performance. And he loves hockey. So I suspected that interviewing Ben would provide readers with valuable wisdom … and I was right.
Dad: What does a good coach do well?
Ben: It’s all about respect. I’ve had coaches who don’t demand respect from their players, then that respect isn’t there when they need it. And I’ve had coaches who have demanded too much respect, so they get none. But when a coach is truly respected, everything else falls into place — players focus and work hard during practice, and they enjoy the process.
There are several ways a good coach gains this respect. A good coach creates an environment for improvement by not tolerating or turning a blind eye to players who are goofing off or not paying attention. A good coach finds a balance between being friends with players and maintaining a good coach-player relationship. A good coach makes each player feel important and valued. He can do this by saying "good game" in the locker room to each player, or by giving feedback to each individual — not just the best players. A good coach is passionate about hockey and about coaching. A good coach is a strong role model in all ways — his attitude, the way he talks with referees and opposing coaches, and the way he reacts to winning and losing. That’s the main way I gain respect for a coach. Also, a good coach runs a good practice.
Dad: What makes a practice a "good practice"?
Ben: A good practice is a byproduct of having a good coach. If a coach doesn’t have the respect of his players, the players won’t take things seriously or follow instructions. When a coach says "pick up the pucks," it should take 30 seconds, not five minutes. A good practice has an organized plan and drills that specifically focus on what the coach is trying to achieve that day. And the drills need to be explained clearly, sometimes more than once. It’s important for players to know exactly what is expected of them.
Dad: If you were a coach, what would be the cornerstone of your coaching philosophy?
Ben: I would teach kids to get something out of every minute they’re on the ice, whether it’s a practice or a game. If all of my players adopted this philosophy, the team would thrive.
Dad: What makes a player a team leader?
Ben: A team leader approaches the game in the right way: He works hard in practice and respects the coaches. A player who creates a personal relationship with everyone on the team, not just a few players, becomes a team leader. A leader is supportive of his teammates on the bench. He notices things and doesn’t just make superficial comments. For example, if a kid has been working on his slap shot in practice, a team leader finds opportunities to compliment him on his progress. To be a team leader, it helps to be good at hockey, but it’s not necessary.
Dad: What do you get out of playing hockey?
Ben: First, it’s a team game — on the bench, on the ice, and in the locker room. Spending a lot of time with your teammates builds strong relationships. If you have the right kind of teammates, then you don’t want to let them down. They inspire you to work harder. So the relationships I’ve built with my teammates are one big thing I’ve gotten out of playing hockey. And second, hockey is a great metaphor for personal improvement. If you focus on yourself and how you can improve with each drill, each shift, each play, you’ll get better — and that’s true with everything, not just hockey.
Dad: What are your happiest and unhappiest memories of playing hockey?
Ben: It’s hard for me to think of one moment that made me especially happy. I’m just proud of how I’ve approached hockey — that I’ve always tried to get better, and I haven’t stopped playing. The only times I’m unhappy are when I make a bad play in a game. In those moments, it’s easy to think, "What the hell?" and become frustrated with yourself, because you’ve been working hard in practice and you wonder why you’re not seeing results. But those are just fleeting moments.
Dad: What are some of your principles for balancing academics with athletics and your other extracurricular activities?
Ben: I decide what to do from moment to moment based on what’s most important to me in the short and long term. Adults, such as parents and teachers, tell kids what their priorities should be, but I make my own priorities based on what will make me happiest today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life. Sometimes that means spending less time studying for a Latin quiz so I can memorize my lines for a play or go to hockey practice, but I decide for myself; I don’t let anyone else decide for me. And I don’t let unworthy reasons stop me from doing things.
Dad: What is the importance of winning in youth sports?
Ben: A person who loves a sport will enjoy playing, win or lose. And so will a person whose main focus is to work hard to improve himself as a player. He’ll know he’s getting better regardless of the outcome of the game. On the other hand, a person who focuses only on winning is going to be upset about half of the time. Ultimately, a player is happiest if his contentment isn’t linked to the outcome of any game.
Dad: What advice do you have for parents of young athletes?
Ben: You’re not the coach. It doesn’t matter if you played hockey — don’t try to create a coach-player relationship with your kid. I’ve seen that kind of relationship, and most kids who have that don’t like it. You’re the parent, so be the parent. As a player, I can say that parents who coach their kids from the bleachers are super annoying. A parent who constantly coaches his kid might say, "I’m just trying to help my child get better," but again, that’s not your job. Unless your kid asks for your advice, he’s going to find your advice irritating. If he made a mistake in a game, he already knows that, he’s already thinking about that, and he doesn’t need you to analyze it for him. That’s the coach’s job, not the parent’s job.
