My mom used to love saying, with a healthy scoop of selfdeprecating humor, that "There’s a special place in heaven for goalie parents." I "thought" I knew then what she meant, but I’ve got a much, much deeper understanding now. After all, I’ve raised two daughters who were both athletes, and I’ve lived and died with each game. And neither of them were goalies, so I had it relatively easy.
Actually, that’s not entirely true. My oldest, Mary-Alyssa, played lacrosse goalie for about three years. I’m not sure, as I’ve tried to purge any recollections from my gray matter. Goalies are often dismissed when they complain about mistreatment, by teammates, or coaches, and sometimes other parents. But when you see it happening yourself, it’s particularly galling. That’s when I really grasped the exquisite pressures that only goalie parents feel.
Over the years, though, I’ve found that a healthy sense of humor goes a long way in helping parents (and coaches) cope with those pressures. At times, laughter really can be the best medicine.
So I was absolutely tickled when Steph Vandy, administrator of Hockey Goalie Parents page on Facebook, asked followers to channel their inner Jeff Foxworthy and finish the statement: "You might be a goalie parent if …" Here are some of my favorite responses.
‘We’re going to need a bigger boat’
▸ You bring your kid’s goalie equipment to the car dealership to ensure it fits before purchasing the car.
▸ You drive to every tournament if possible because by the time you pack for all the "what ifs," the baggage fees are too expensive to fly.
▸ You have only two kids, but own the biggest van with the most cargo space, and refuse to downgrade to anything smaller.
▸ You go to every practice and game because you know it’s impossible to carpool with all that gear.
▸ Your car automatically goes to the rink when you are supposed to drop the kids off at school.
▸ When people ask you who is in the body bag that’s always in your car!
Something in the air
▸ When you can find your truck in the parking lot just by the smell.
▸ Some part of your house always smells like a locker room from storing all the gear.
▸ You are (sort of) oblivious to the hockey smell that permeates your house and car.
▸ When you’re crossing the border back into the U.S. from Canada and they pick you to be the vehicle they want to search. They open the back door to the van with the two sets of goalie equipment in it, shut it almost instantly and wave you on through!
▸ When you leave work at noon on a nice and sunny Friday to pick up your goalie to head out of town for a tournament, and you open the van door and start gagging from the stench of the ripe hockey bag that has been baking for hours!
A new perspective
▸ You go to an NHL game and spend more time checking out the goalie’s equipment rather than watching the game.
▸ You yell "good save" even if the goalie is on other team.
▸ You look at baseball season as glove save practice.
▸ You start rooting for the other team to take a shot (when your team is dominating) so your kid can get some action.
▸ You know other goalies not by name or face, but by the kind of pads they wear
▸ You want to throat punch the parents who blame the goalie when their kid took the stupid penalty that caused us to be short-handed.
▸ You go from team practice to your own goalie coach time slot, and you have to listen to other parents complain about the time they spend at rinks!
Social quirks
▸ You sit alone and like it that way.
▸ You change ends of the arena each period.
▸ You giggle to yourself when everyone else is marveling at the spectacular "save" your goalie made, and you know it was actually wide of the net and he made it just for show.
▸ You yell "Get up! Get up! Get up!" more then anyone should.
▸ You have secret hand signals for "glove up," "check your spot" or "chest out." I swear the other parents think I’m a nutball.
▸ If you scream, "That’s your house!"
▸ You are excited/relieved that your home rink has a bar
▸ Your heart hurts almost equally when the other team’s goalie is struggling as it does when your child is struggling.
▸ It’s not actually coffee in your "coffee" thermos.
▸ You make the excuse "Well, she IS a goalie" when she does something silly or embarrassing in public.
▸ You can’t celebrate a really bad/weak/unlucky goal made on another goalie, even when it benefits your kid’s team.
▸ You sit in your car watching the game on LiveBarn because your nerves can’t handle being in the rink!
▸ The rest of the spectators and parents think you’re having seizures in the stands as you signal to your goalie to be bigger, keep their glove up, keep their head up, come out further or back in closer, keep their stick on the ice, get the paddle down, etc.
▸ You take a pitch counter to games!
▸ You have a special friend who allows you to text her nonstop during shootouts, sometimes with expletives.
Home improvement
▸ You have puck dents in your basement drywall and garage door from all the practice shots on your goalie.
▸ Your living room set is a "hand-me down" from your friend because you spent all your money on new pads (and not a new couch).
▸ You can’t sit in the living room because it’s filled with a slide board, net, about a dozen sticks, balls and pucks, street and ice hockey pads and numerous other pieces of goalie gear.
▸ Your garage looks more like a used goalie equipment store.
Showing your (goalie) age
▸ You have more gray hair every Monday morning during the season.
▸ You get more steps in during a stressful game than you do completing a 5K.
▸ You have hockey-induced Tourette’s during breakaways.
▸ You’re over 50 and still bite your nails.
▸ You look at your heart rate on your Fitbit and you notice that your heart rate went from 66 beats per minutes to 125 per minutes when your goalie is on the ice.
▸ You get butterflies about 10 minutes before you hit the rink.
▸ Your pockets are filled with Tums!
▸ You know which tournament cities have 24-hour pharmacies, in case you left blood pressure meds at home.
▸ While other parents are buying popcorn at the concession stands, you’re buying Rolaids.
It’s only money
▸ You’re always broke.
▸ You laugh at other parents from other sports who complain about how much it costs to play.
▸ You say, "No. I’m not spending more than $900 for pads. At least that’s reasonable."
▸ You wish you could go back to the days of complaining about how expensive shin guards are.
▸ You secretly wish your goalie would stop growing because you can’t afford the new pads just yet.
