My 18 year-old son, Robert, caught the "sports bug" in 2004, when he was 5 years old. Since then, he has played sports non-stop — with friends in the yard, on countless organized youth teams, and at his high school, where this year he is captaining the varsity cross-country and baseball teams.
This coming fall, Robert will head off to college, bringing the first phase of his sports life to a close, so I decided this would be a perfect moment to interview him about his "sports childhood."
The Hockey Dad: How did playing pickup sports affect your athletic development?
Robert: In terms of developing my ability, it was everything. Especially baseball. I practiced a lot because I loved it, and that’s what made me get better and better. It wasn’t just the time I spent practicing, it was the fun I had doing it. If you’re not having fun when you’re practicing, you’re not going to get better.
Also, playing pickup sports with friends gave me a taste of a lot of different sports, and that made me want to play those sports on organized teams. For example, playing hockey on the backyard rink made me want to join a hockey team, and playing basketball in our driveway made me want to join a basketball team.
Pickup sports is also a social event. My memories of pickup sports are of "having fun" because I was with my friends, and we were choosing to do it. Playing sports is just what we did when we were together.
The Hockey Dad: What do good coaches do well?
Robert: Good coaches actually know what they’re talking about. A good coach is someone you trust knows more about the sport than you do. I may not agree with all of the decisions that a coach makes, but if I feel like I could do a better job of coaching than the coach is doing, that’s a bad sign.
A good coach gives every player a legitimate shot to prove himself before he plays the best players. At the younger levels, of course, everyone should play. But no matter what the level, there shouldn’t be any ambiguity about why one player is playing more than someone else.
One of the worst things a coach can do is to correct you on something, or tell you that you did something wrong, when really, you didn’t — something just went randomly wrong in the play. When a coach overanalyzes a play that didn’t go perfectly and feels like he has to make it into a teachable moment for me, when really there’s nothing teachable other than "stuff happens," I have a hard time listening to that coach in the future.
Good coaches care about winning — those who don’t are really annoying — but they aren’t blinded by winning. A good coach can say, "Even though we didn’t win, you played a really good game." And good coaches don’t dumb things down or expect too little from their players.
Sometimes coaches talk a lot about following a disciplined practice approach and overall team process, and when the team wins, suddenly it’s because of "the process." And when the team loses, it’s because we didn’t follow "the process." I mean, I know that conscientious preparation and playing as a team matters, but sometimes you win because one player suddenly had an amazing game, and sometimes you lose even when you followed "the process." A good coach acknowledges that.
The Hockey Dad: What do you think is the importance of "winning" in youth sports?
Robert: As a player, for sports to be fun, your number-one goal has to be winning when you’re out there on the field, or the ice, or the court. The truth is, looking back, none of my individual performances really stands out in my memory, but I definitely remember the three biggest wins of my life. I don’t remember how I played in those games, I just remember that we won.
And even though a player’s top goal has to be winning, if the scoreboard says you lost, you have to be able to accept that and move on. If you’re satisfied with your own effort and your team’s effort, moving on shouldn’t be hard to do. No matter how hard you try and how well you play, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.
The Hockey Dad: What are your unhappiest memories of playing sports?
Robert: Well, no bad sports memories have really stuck with me. All of my memories of playing sports are sort of lumped together as "fun." I suppose my unhappiest memories should be games that we lost, but even the losses are lumped together with the wins and the "fun." I feel like I’ve been part of more crazy comeback wins than on the losing side of those kinds of endings, but I don’t really know if that’s true. Maybe it’s just what I remember.
The Hockey Dad: Looking back, is there anything you would do differently?
Robert: Not really. I tried a bunch of different sports, so I don’t think there’s a sport I could’ve been really good at that I didn’t try. When I play pickup basketball, I feel like I’m really good, but last year I played on the JV basketball team and was one of the last players off the bench, and I didn’t deserve more playing time, so at least I know I couldn’t have been really good at basketball. I don’t have that lingering doubt I might have had if I hadn’t played JV. The same is true of hockey.
Also, I’ve generally played for good teams and fun teams. And I played for the right reasons. If I found a team that was fun, I stuck with that team. I wasn’t always looking for the next best thing. So while many players came and went from the Blazers (AAU baseball team), I found something that worked for me and stuck with it for five years. Also, I feel like I’ve always hustled, so I have no regrets about how I performed in any games.
The Hockey Dad: What advice do you have for parents of young athletes?
Robert: First, don’t have aspirations for how good your kid is going to be. If you’re too invested in how good your kid is, and that’s what matters to you, then that will lead you down a path of a lot of bad actions and decisions. Because this attitude rubs off on your kid, and if your kid knows that your main concern is how well he performs, you can see it in how he plays. Those are the kids who throw their helmets after they strike out. And when they’re still throwing their helmets as high school players, you realize that maybe it’s something they can’t shake.
I’d also say, let your kid tell you if he wants to sign up for a sport, or a camp, or a training program. If you push your kid to sign up for an offseason strength program, for example, he’s not going to enjoy it as much or get as much out of it as he would have if he had chosen to sign up himself.
Be positive. If your kid is someone who always hustles and always does the right thing, then there’s really no justification for saying anything negative to him. If you’re saying to him, "You shouldn’t have made that bad pass" or "You shouldn’t have struck out," you’re going down the wrong road. Remember that whatever you say in the car on the way home from the practice or game, whatever you decide to care about, that’s what your kid is going to care about.
